I was telling a friend how fulfilled I felt since moving to Arizona. Curious, as she’s also a counselor, my friend asked how that was happening? Considering the question, I said, “as cliché as it might be, I think it is living in the moment. I think I am not thinking about being anywhere else or doing anything other than what I am doing right now.”
After hanging up the phone, I gave this question more thought. On the heels of reading Changing Behavior in DBT Problem Solving in Action by Heidi L. Heard and Michaela A. Swales, the book popped into my mind. In it, I found many helpful technical interventions for DBT Therapists and there was one sentence that I had actually retrieved a highlighter to note. To quote the book, “Invalidating environments communicate that the solution to life’s vicissitudes involves simply trying harder or having more willpower.” To translate, this means that when people are raised in situations where they are told that they should not have the reactions they are having, they come away with the idea that they simply need to try harder with their current skill set to fix life’s problems. While I certainly see how this could happen for a person with a tough up-bringing, I wonder if it isn’t emerging in the current tide of the United States culture.
As I watch the news and live in today’s society, it seems as if there is a resonance of people shouting for a simple solution that will fix all of the problems. Interestingly, these simple solutions from all political angles often encourage doing more of what we have been doing.
In DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, we first assess a problem to best understand what is happening and to target a type of solution that might remedy the situation. We then brainstorm potential solutions and teach skills so that those solutions can be implemented. Without truly understanding the perspective of the person with the problem and without that person learning new ways to solve the problem, the person is stuck. No amount of trying harder at old behavior or solutions is likely to change the problem. If it would, the person wouldn’t have the problem in the first place!
In order to find fulfillment in Arizona, for example, I had to learn a new skill. Trying harder at what I used to do, such as seeing clients, spending time with my family and trying to take more vacations did not and would not have solved the lack of fulfillment. Curiously, upon consideration it wasn’t even just trying harder at being in the moment as I had told my friend. I already knew that skill. Instead, I had to assess the problem, realize that the weather was a serious burden for me, brainstorm ways to make a move across the country from my longtime home and learn the skills to make that happen. I had to assess that I needed to live somewhere warmer and do something new, so that I was more comfortable in the moment. With more environmental comfort, I could actually focus on the moment (instead of just wishing I weren’t cold right now!)
For our country, problems are many and complicated. If our past solutions worked on these dilemmas, would they even be problems? I’m thinking no. I’m thinking that we all might need to learn new ways to assess these problems, new ways to brainstorm, new ways to solve, new ways to be in community, new ways to act together. I think we will have to understand each other better and the solutions are likely to be things we have not done before.
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