Control

My grandmother lived in San Diego when I was small. We would go visit; the ocean was a marvel when you’ve grown up in the rolling hills of the Midwest. Before I could ride a bike, I could swim in the ocean. The waves soaring over my head, powerful, crashing down and sucking me under. The sensation, tumbling, swirling, momentarily off-balance, not sure which direction was up, seeing light refracted in the water, I remember being out of control within the wave.

Change has come again and as it strikes me, I feel the same swirling as with the wave, the familiar feeling of being adrift, uncertain, unmoored and at the mercy of the powers that be. A call from a realtor, a move and all of a sudden, all that I identified with as home and familiarity is gone. Like the wave, it recedes, pulling away, leaving me disoriented, flipped out of control.

The concept of control is often a hot topic in therapy. Do I have it? If not, how do I get it? “I feel out-of-control!” “I love being in control.” A great therapist once said to me that we do not have control, but we do have influence. With change, I think about the illusion of control. When I was first trained in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), we did an exercise. Instructed to sit completely still, we controlled our bodies and did not move. We could breathe of course, but nothing else. I tried with all my might. I couldn’t do it. No matter how hard I controlled my own body, my finger still shifted. I had influence, but not control even over my smallest finger!

\If this is the case, that we have no control, only influence (and I believe it is) then HOW THE HECK DO WE DEAL WITH THAT KIND OF UNCERTAINTY????  Well, again I draw on my DBT skills. Radical acceptance is the process of looking at the facts, even when we don’t like them or wish they were different. Very often we operate based on what we WANT the facts to be instead of what they are.  As imagined, operating on false pretenses can lead to all sorts of problems. Radical acceptance is determining what we would think, feel and do if we believed the facts and then shifted our perceptions to match those facts. Sounds easy? Yeah, in practice it is incredibly difficult.

I bring myself to the present. I have WANTED this change to happen, I have wanted to fully transition to Arizona, but I wanted it to go differently. I keep thinking that I should just be happy that it’s done, but the facts indicate that I have a mix of emotions. A mix of emotions, no control over my reactions and no control over when or how this move occurs.

Radical Acceptance:

1. I notice that I am not accepting the fact that I have only influence over the move and my reactions. Currently, I am masquerading as if I can decide how I feel and what happens, a deluded dictator of my internal and external landscape.
2. I note the facts as they are. The moving process and my reactions are subjected to many factors outside of my control.
3. I turn my mind to accept those facts and think about how I would feel, think and behave if I accepted that I don’t have control of this situation. Specifically, I would feel neutral instead of frustrated, I would think, “I wonder what will happen next?” and I would take note of what’s happening instead of trying to make the move process or my feelings be a certain way.
4. I pull up the feelings, try to think the thoughts and act the way I imagine I would if I accepted. (This part is particularly uncomfortable, in case you are wondering.)

Thanks to Masha Linehan, developer of DBT, I once again find myself on solid ground. The wave has receded. Centered, I can move forward with what I have been given. I focus on noticing what is, what is happening and appreciating my influence. I can move on.