Agitated, irritated, annoyed, itchy in my skin, frustrated, angsty, it feels like I want to simultaneously scream and wriggle out of my skin. Every time, without fail, this is the feeling I have before I make significant changes. I have even started to call it Change Feeling in my mind. It is one of the most uncomfortable emotional states in my body’s repertoire of complicated emotion and I have felt this way for a full 24 hours.
In my first DBT training, my instructor, a genius, mentioned this feeling for the first time that I remember, but she called it I can’t stand it feeling. She was making the point that we can have an I can’t stand it feeling and still stand it. I really liked this idea and continue to think about it for Distress Tolerance, which was my teacher’s message. Distress Tolerance in DBT is the idea that you can have hard things happen and avoid making them worse by just noticing how you feel instead of acting on the urge. The upside of Distress Tolerance skills is that we don’t make a mess in our lives to have to clean up later; the downside is that our emotion and situation don’t change.
Over many years, after this training, I set to work trying to figure out what this feeling was and meant. Investigation revealed that it happens when the way I am inside myself no longer matches how things are in my environment. Also, as previously noted, it precedes change behavior. This makes sense to me also as it relates to Distress Tolerance. I have to tolerate the discomfort of things not being the way I’d like, while I work at making them different. This is why I can’t stand it feeling and Change Feeling are the same for me.
Fast forward to present day, this morning, I am sitting square in the middle of an unshakable Change Feeling. It is oppressive and I have no idea why I have it. I mean, really? Change Feeling now? I have already quit my job and moved to a warmer climate! What else has to shift? According to the idea that this feeling is indicating some kind of distress that I need to tolerate, or something that I need to change over time, I look at what isn’t right.
Well, I’m pretty sick and tired of COVID-19. The states are opening back up this week and while the curve does appear to have been flattened in many places, I worry about the resulting deaths of free movement. At the same time, I worry about the economic results of not re-opening. I’m also sick of staying at home and I’m grateful not to be sick or have lost someone close. My heart goes out to the people who have.
I think there is some agitation related to being stir crazy and uncomfortable with social distancing, but I don’t think that’s all of it. So, I look for the information that is missing. Is it collaborators, new friends that I need? Do I need a new project? Is it online or in-person that I am missing? I’m happy with my family and certainly, my dogs. I don’t think it’s a new pet, I need.
I still don’t know what it is that is causing my distress. It’s possible that I just need something social, I think. Given that I don’t yet know what to change, there is no immediate way to fix this feeling, find this answer, feel better. Distress tolerance instead becomes my focus. Time to cope without fixing. It’s time to workout, drink tea, take deep breaths and accept that I just have an I can’t stand it feeling. In theory, I can stand it. No, I can stand it; after all, it’s just a feeling.
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