Energy

Finally rested, I no longer get easily physically or emotionally exhausted. I have stamina again. With this stamina, I have the urge to handle problems that previously might have gone by the wayside as I worked to manage the day to day necessaries. Now, I can see bigger concerns.

A lesser concern that reflects a larger pattern is my golf game. With newly reclaimed energy, I marched back to the range for a lesson. Slice after slice, the instructor observed, quietly contemplating the errors of my ways. Finally he says, “A swing has to develop. You have to trust, instead of trying to make it happen. I think it might be a good idea for you to take a practice swing before every single attempt at the ball to be able to change this habit.”

“Seriously?” I grumble. “How is it that my urges to take charge and make things happen have are so pervasive, such that the pattern is articulated in something as completely recreational as my golf swing!” The grumbling continues as I comply with the instructed practice swings in an effort to learn to trust that my arms can hit a ball without me monitoring their moment to moment activities.

With energy and attention on the immediate internal problem: trusting to let things happen, I consider problems outside of myself as well. I wonder if other people after having rested in quarantine, physically lying on the couch, intellectually being bored, have also sprung to action? As I practice trusting the process, I wonder if maybe current protests have been generated by rested people finally having time and energy to make systemic changes? I wonder if this energy for change is universal or just among a few? If these needed changes range from small to large?

My old pattern emerges immediately as I contemplate where I need to devote my energy for change now, where I can contribute. The old take charge says, “Great! What do you WANT to change? What do you WANT to be different? What do you WANT to have happen?” Just like that, old habits kick in. This kind of thinking is exactly what I have been trying to shift. As my instructor says, “The trajectory of the ball doesn’t lie, Emily. We know if you were controlling the swing by the resulting mis-hit.” Ugh, over-control shows up in change, too. If I WANT a change, instead of allowing a change, it often goes awry.

So, I step back and take a few internal practice swings. I practice focusing on what is happening, instead of what I want to happen. I practice sitting and waiting for what emerges. I practice trust, I practice trusting the swing. I practice trusting the natural process of all things.